Deanna Doss Shrodes

If you're going to discuss something that's stressful in the least, don't invite a leader out for a meal to do it.  Even if it's not stressful to you...if you have any inkling -- any feeling at all that the conversation will be such for them, don't ask to meet over a meal. Call them to discuss it, or set a meeting at their office. Over the years, I've had people invite me to join them for a meal to tell me that they are resigning, stepping down from a ministry, leaving the church, or to pitch a project to me they are doubtful I will support. Perhaps they want to press me for a position or a decision on something they already know I'm not too keen on. If I sense that any of these things are the case, I try to get them to set a meeting that doesn't include mealtimes. It’s a proven fact that stress affects our digestive system.   When these types of conversations happen over a meal, I feel pain sometimes as my food is digesting. Meals ...

Landing on someone else's blog last night as I was reading before bedtime, I was delighted by what I found. "Oh my gosh, who IS this chick? We think exactly a like! Seriously. I think I found my new best friend..." I was all excited. I had found my literary clone. I wondered if she also liked bike riding and dark roast coffee. I was about to announce myself to her via the comment section with a link to one of my recent posts. I was ready to co-write a post with her and let the wonder-twin power activate, when I scrolled down, only to be devastated... The blogger was quoting ME in her post. It was me I found. Darn. Then I realized it may be a confirmation. My therapist recently told me that I need to be content in my own company -- to finally be my own best friend. So there you go. Just as quick as I lost my new best friend last night, I found her.

To understand where a person is now, it helps to know where they've come from. I believe it's even essential to know where they've come from. Photo Credit: Photo Logic, Creative Commons We often judge people without knowing their story, which is sad. It's pretty pathetic that we judge them at all, but anyway... I was blessed to lead someone to Christ in the last few years who had been out of church for many years. Some had judged them for being away from God or church which only drove them further away.

Unforseen, rare things happen to me. They just do. Can you relate? When my family went tubing this week, I was preparing to go down the hill and I asked the employee who was helping us if anybody ever goes over the berm while tubing. "Oh no...not to worry...that never happens..." Famous last words. This is why it's very hard for me to trust people. Anybody. Anyone but God. I was tubing down a lane all the way to the right. My husband was at the top of the hill when he witnessed my tube flip over the berm, to the right and head down a hill...one that wasn't an actual tubing hill. I wasn't supposed to be there. I instantly realized it and my heart was struck with fear. Ever been in a scary place that you never planned to go to, and yet there you were?

Today's post is from the relationship advice column that I write for Insight , a Tampa newspaper. This past month I tackled two questions and this was the second. I discussed the first one in yesterday's post.   I'd love to hear your feedback. What has your experience been with family secrets?   Dear Deanna: I’ve recently discovered a family secret that has me in so much pain, I am thinking about going to therapy. I am trying to cope the best I can but each day it is hard to even put one foot in front of the other and keep going. The information I found out has made it almost impossible to think about anything else. The people in my family who kept the secret are upset I found out and don’t understand why I’m taking it so hard. Right now it seems like no one understands. Talking to them about it just makes me angrier. Should I go to a counselor and be done with it? They don’t want me to share about it with anyone outside our family and I feel trapped.  - Ess...

"Depression hung over me like a black cloud...and it was hard to find my way out at the time..." These were my words during a sermon a few years ago and afterwards a lady rushed up to me and said, "you mean YOU were actually depressed? Because I can't even imagine that. You seem so...together... " Truth be told, all of us go through hard times. And all of us have rotten days. Me included. I happen to be having a good day today. But a while back I was having an absolutely horrible day. And because so many people seem to think people like me never have bad days like they do, I got the brilliant idea, "I'm going to video record my bad day!!!" Yes, I know that's kind of bizarre but I have a passion to share transparently with people.That's why this blog is about transparently leading and relating from a faith perspective. So I did what was for me, a courageous thing. I recorded scenes during 24 hours...even waking up in the morni...

Years ago there was a man in the church who served in one of the ministries I directly oversaw who would exhibit abnormal childlike behavior when he didn't get his way. Being the direct overseer of the department, I had a front row seat to his tantrums. Actually I would characterize them as reminiscent of "rebellious pre-teen behavior". It wasn't just me who noticed this. In frustration, other church members would sometimes quip, "would you please grow up?!" when he'd have a meltdown.  We'd endure behavior resembling that of a young teen boy who had his video games taken away. One day in staff meeting, our children's pastor mentioned a psychological issue with some adults who were abused as children. They become developmentally frozen --"stuck" at a younger age -- the one at which they were abused.  These adults usually don't progress emotionally beyond that age, unless they undergo therapy or God does a miracle. When our child...

If I could have a do-over, I would do all three of these things MUCH quicker in my 25-year journey of leadership.  1) Exercise daily.  I'm not a work-out-a-holic by any means. Anyone can tell that from even glancing at me. But, the fact is, for a few months now I've been exercising even if just for 15 minutes a day. The majority of the days I do 30 minutes. And it is absolutely life-changing, particularly related to stress. Some days even if I've already exercised, I go back and do a bit more if something comes up. It helps a lot! Lately I've said to myself, "why didn't I start doing this sooner?" Exercise has been called, "the best drug in the world." 2) Be happy while waiting.  Are you waiting for challenges to be worked out, before allowing yourself to be happy?  The truth is, things will never be perfect until heaven. If you are leading a church or an organization, few easy problems come to your desk. By the time they get to you, ...

If someone had no legs or was paralyzed, would you command them to stand up and walk across the room to give you a hug? Probably not, as that would be an exercise in futility. Most people would look at you like  you were crazy if you kept demanding that a person with no legs or paralysis walk across the room to give you affection.  People understand physical disabilities much more than they do emotional ones. The other day a friend of mine posted on her Facebook status, "Don't lose your dignity and self respect trying to make people love and appreciate you when they just aren't capable." Very wise words. There are some people in this life who are broken emotionally.  Sometimes there are even groups of people who are incapable. They don't know how to love you. They don't know how to treat you. They just aren't capable of extending to you what you so long for, because they're emotionally disabled. Instead of repeatedly demanding of them what th...

Are you waiting for something to be restored? I understand. I'm waiting too. I heard the story of a preacher who was awakened one night by the enemy. Evidently a few demons were trying to mess with him and they started shaking the bed and actually moved it across the room. He commanded them to stop in the name of Jesus and they did. But after thinking about it a moment he said, "Hold on...first, PUT IT BACK in the name of Jesus!!" The demons put the bed back in it's original position, and left. Then satisfied that things were restored to their rightful place, the preacher went to sleep. For a while now I've been saying to the enemy PUT IT BACK IN THE NAME OF JESUS. Permission to be perfectly honest here? Sometimes I struggle between saying put it back, and the fact that some people say it may be time to accept a new normal. There are people who would counsel people in this situation to grieve the past, accept the loss, and move on. If moving on...

             You must welcome change as the rule but not as your ruler.  ~Denis Waitley Early yesterday morning before I left for the church office, a big change was suddenly thrown into my life. I realize seasons of change in life are the rule not the exception. And I like what Waitley said that change is the rule, but not our ruler. While I was processing this change I found great comfort in a few things... Getting out of the bathtub and seeing that Max and Maddie had taken up residency in mine and Larry's bed, with Max's paw wrapped around her...always warms my heart. Larry just had to take a photo even though we've seen it so many times... Prayer in the sanctuary that I customarily lead every Thursday morning at Celebration ... Reading Jesus Calling... Completing all my customary church ministry duties... Coming home and riding my bike for a longer time in weather that couldn't have been more perfect...no...

Some of you deal with someone on a regular basis who torments you until you cry. Or maybe you don't cry. You just feel like your head or your heart is going to explode. The tension weighs on your shoulders, creeps up your neck, and pulsates in your head. They don't consider it torment -- in fact that very thought is laughable to them. It's just teasing. "Relax," they say, "I'm just kidding." But the kidding doesn't feel so fun. It feels like torment. And you are tired. You are very tired. Bullying doesn't end in an elementary school yard. You can be 80 years old and be a bully. All it takes is a steady stream of not-so-funny jabs and constant chipping away at your sanity. What's the answer to this? Or why am I even posting it? Simply to say: You're not crazy. You're not alone. And just in case you're wondering -- Jesus would never, never, never do that. Not even in kidding. Just sayin'.

We need to have conversations with the people we're supposed to have conversations with. What a revolutionary thought! This didn't come out of my head -- I wish it did. It's brilliant. But I have to give credit to T.D. Jakes, one of my favorite preachers. Larry taped an interview for me the other night -- Oprah had Jakes as her guest on a special that she did. I couldn't wait to watch it and sure enough, it was rich with truth. He just has a way of cutting to the heart of an issue every time. Here's what he brought forward that was so eye-opening, and really it goes along with what I've been experiencing with the "four steps."  He said that when we have conflict or hurt in our lives and we don't discuss it with the person who caused the pain, we will always end up having "that conversation" with somebody else!  Many times w e take out on other people that which has nothing to do with them, and that which they can't ch...

"Ooooh...I'm so sorry to have to do this to you again, but I'm going to have to cancel today's lunch..." I delighted in my friend's company, but truth be told she canceled on me more times than she showed up. She worked a job where she earned well over six figures and was in high demand. To be fair, I worked a demanding job too, co-pastoring a church and worked 90 hours a week at the time although our salaries were a little different. ;) My friend had what seemed like the perfect life. High powered job, home worth over half a million dollars, handsome and equally successful husband, cute and well behaved children who did well in school and excelled at extra curricular activities, well known and respected in the community, and to top it all off -- they loved Jesus and were part of the church. So, how does it get any better than THAT? Well... All of the demands on my friend's life made the cancellations of our plans a constant reality. I was surp...

  1)     Define the emotion. What am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? 2)     Recognize the source. When did I first feel this way? When have I felt this way before? 3)     Uncover the lie What feels true about this?          What do I believe about myself? 4)       Embrace the truth Jesus, bring truth and light to this place. Lord, what is it that You want me to see, hear and know? Jesus, come into this place of pain. I take time to write out everything (for my eyes only) about any situation I'm feeling an overwhelming negative emotions about.  Maybe you have some things like that too. When you uncover the lie, you are pinpointing anything you've come to believe about a past situation that is not in line with God's Word.   When you embrace the truth, you are zeroing in on what God tells you about the situation , versus the lie you have believed....

God has been speaking to me more about rest. Everyone needs it. Leaders especially need it! I require solitude to function at my optimal.  We all have needs in this regard but many of us feel really guilty about being assertive about it. Why is that so? I don't know whether I'm getting better at being assertive or whether I am just too needy when it comes to rest in this season of my life to care about offending anyone. In just a moment I'm going to share with you three new ways I've found to make it easier to rest. No, they don't involve a cruise. I know I just came back from one yesterday and my faithful readers who know that may be thinking, "Great. She's going to tell us to go on a cruise. Impractical! Irrelevant!  I can't afford it nor do I have the vacation time to take..." Relax. That's not the direction I'm headed. But please do indulge me for a moment before I tell you the three hints, while I share with you a few peaceful ...