"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Some of them I haven't wanted to learn and would have had a holy-freak-out
Years ago when going through a challenge that preceded major learning and growth in my life, someone asked me, "Could you have learned this any other way, Deanna? Would it have been possible by reading a textbook, or listening to someone else's experience?"
No, it wouldn't.
Sometimes we have to actually go through a challenge to receive something we couldn't get any other way but through.
God has some big things for me in my next season, but I needed to go through.
And I'm still going through.
I prayed a weird prayer a few months ago.
A prayer I haven't shared with anyone.
I sensed God speaking to me back in June about some new things he wanted to do in my life and my family.
It all sounded amazing.
And then...I actually asked Him to NOT do it.
I know that sounds crazy.
I've seen a lot of my friends fall and fall hard.
Witnessed mentors and even icons I don't personally know, lose everything.
Most important, they lost faith and family --although they once had it all.
Why I Prayed That Prayer
Integrity and my family is more important to me than any blessing or success.
I just asked God to not take me to the next step if He knew it wouldn't end well.
I prayed, "God, I don't know that I'm ready for all that, or if my family's ready...or if my life can withstand that. But if it's what you want you'll have to get me ready."
And this is what I've grappled with these past weeks where I've walked until my feet just can't go another step at days end...
I haven't understood why I've gone through what I've gone through since February 28, 1013.
It's like all hell unleashed going to my very core.
I don't have any enemies as far as it depends on me but I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone.
During these weeks the pain has driven me to a place of intimacy with God that I haven't been to before.
I just thought I would spend my days moving toward healing.
Imagine my surprise that He's messed with every area of my life.
Rearranged things I wasn't even focusing on.
I'm delighted with the results through this recovery, although it took radical surgery.
Sometimes you have to go THROUGH to get what's coming to you. There's no other way to get it than through.
Most people would probably expect me to end this post with, "I'm ready, God! Do it!"
Honestly? I'm still not sure that I'm ready.
But I'm going through, to get there.