The PF Women Team at our Annual Team Retreat ~ 2018 Today on Seth Godin's blog, he said: It's tempting to decide to make a profit first, then invest in training, people, facilities, promotion, customer service and most of all, doing important work. In general, though, it goes the other way. Yes, it does. If you are waiting to make a profit before you do these things, in my experience you're not going to make a profit. So many organizations, ministries and churches are struggling with financial issues. I know your pain. As anyone who follows our story knows, our ministry was in a ton of debt four years ago when I came on as director. Since that time, we've gotten out of debt and turned a profit every year. God has done amazing things through out team, for which we give Him the glory! I find that what Seth is saying here is absolutely true, with one disclaimer. For Christian leaders, spiritual disciplines must always be first. Before we started i...
This month marks the fourth month of the relationship advice column that I write for the Tampa newspaper Insight Tampa. If you missed the previous columns and are interested in reading, go here. Thanks to those of you who have given feedback on the blog and Facebook. Keep in mind as well, this is
not a Christian paper and I am instructed not to
answer from the Bible, or my role as a pastor.
Dear Deanna:
I write this to you with a broken heart as I’ve
recently discovered an affair my husband of 22 years has been involved in. I am willing to go to counseling and make
attempts to put things back together but I am not sure he is willing to sever
ties with the woman he has been involved with. There is always an excuse of why
he needs to have some kind of contact with her even if it’s just to return
something that was hers or make a phone call about mutual business dealings.
(They both work in the same field.) I know more is going on than I even realize
in the situation and I believe in his heart he wants to be with her. But, he’s still with me. Why would he still be with me if he really
loves her? How do I move on with this? It’s so traumatic for me, I’ve had more
visits to the doctor in the past month than I have in several previous years
combined.
- Sick at Heart
Dear Sick at Heart:
I know one thing - things can’t go on the way they currently
are. Well, they can, but your health would seriously be at stake, both
emotional and physical. So, what are you
going to do? That’s the question here for me -- not what your husband is going
to do.
The first thing I implore you to do is rid yourself of any
thoughts that you are responsible for your husband’s behavior. Perhaps your
marriage had weaknesses, maybe even big ones.
Every marriage has issues -- none of us is perfect. No matter what
happened in the relationship, or how many issues there are, it is never okay to resort to infidelity to solve
your marriage problems. To do so not only shows immaturity, it also indicates
serious lack of character. Hopefully you are not blaming yourself, but if you
are - stop. Don’t try to figure out your
husband’s behavior - it will never make sense to you.
There are a plethora of reasons your husband may remain with
you while still maintaining a relationship with this other woman. My hunch is
that one of those is shared history. Most people don’t realize the power of
shared history in a relationship. Your husband has lived over two decades with
you as his partner in marriage and in life and despite his feelings for this
other woman, walking away from that will be difficult. You have had 22 years
together and undoubtedly weathered many storms together and had memories good
and bad. He doesn’t have any of that with this woman -- all he has are some
temporary thrills. I say temporary because he doesn’t pay the bills with her or
clean up messes with her -- yet. If he stays with her, a rude awakening is in
store when he starts living real life with her.
Here are the facts -- life isn’t easy for anyone and no one
including your husband gets a free pass. He needs to make a decision and own that
decision and all the consequences that are certain to come from either choice.
Having to do this has been delayed, as he is living an existence with both you
and this other woman. That needs to come to a close but thus far, no one is
forcing him to make that choice.
Many times the resolution we so long for is a difficult
decision just waiting to be made. Right now your husband has access to you and
access to this other woman. Whether that continues it up to you. You can’t remove his access to the other
woman but you can curtail his access to you. Giving him free rein to come and
go as he pleases relationally only encourages this unacceptable option he has
now chosen.
If your husband is faced with no discomfort in the situation
he has no motivation to make a decision either way.
So, let’s say you force his hand in making the decision and
he makes the decision to stay with you…what will this mean for him? He will
need to understand that earning your trust is a process -- one that takes
significant time. He will need to be
prepared to break off ties with the other woman 100% and even change jobs if
necessary. This may be something your
husband intensely fights because his identity and happiness may be so tied to
his work, as is the case with many men.
However that’s his problem, not yours
as he has created this scenario. I advised another woman who was going through
your same situation whose husband worked in an office with the woman he had an
affair with, and although he recommitted to the marriage and said he would
leave the other woman, he was not willing to give up his job. He claimed it was
the only job he ever enjoyed in all of his adult life, and to resign the only
job he ever loved was unthinkable. His wife told him he should have thought of
that before he crossed the line with his co-worker. Sometimes decisions will
cost far more than we ever want to pay or imagined that we would pay. This is
part of life.
What if you put the choice before your husband and he
chooses the other woman?
It’s vitally important that you do not blame yourself for
your husband’s bad behavior. These were his choices. End of story.
Moving forward and placing yourself in position to heal is
key. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Only time plus putting yourself in position
to heal will work.
My prayers are with you as you move forward.
E--Mail your questions for future columns to
deannashrodes@gmail.com. Due to space and time every question will not appear
in the monthly column, however Deanna welcomes you to interact with her where
she blogs daily at
www.deannashrodes.net.
Deanna is an author, speaker and certified coach who loves
living in the Tampa Bay area with her husband of 25 years and their three
children.
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