True Church Stories - #35
At the end of the last service in the Caymans our team was ministering around the altars. I was with a lady at the altar who I would guesstimate was in her late seventies. We were standing there at the altar and my friend Wendy who also ministered on the speaker team was with us. This lady was going on and on saying, "Thank God for these messages this weekend from you all! This is what the church today around the world needs! Not milk! They need meat! I have been so blessed!"
After a while, we were saying our goodbyes and she turned to Wendy and said, "God bless you sister, you've been such a blessing!" and she hugged her. Then she turned to me, and said, "God bless you sister" and I thought she was going to hug me but imagine my shock when she grabbed me by the arms and leaned down, way down, and purposely kissed me right on my breast!!
No, not an accident!
No, not near my breast...or around my breast, but right ON my breast!!!
Like, in the very center of my bra cup!!
Yes. I. Am. Serious. Yeeeckkkk!!!
Oh my stars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!!!
So I know you are wondering what happened next.
Well, I was in shock. Total, paralyzing shock. This was disgusting. I stood there with my mouth hanging open, eyes wide as saucers,totally freaked out. As soon as the lady kissed me she stood up (from crouching down there at my breast) and she turned on her heel, and strode out of the sanctuary and left before I could do anything or respond. Wendy and I were both standing there, mouths hanging open in shock and then Wendy said, "Oh my gosh, she just kissed your breast!!!" And I slowly answered, "Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh."
We then laughed ourselves silly right there and told the rest of the team and the missionary, Sondra Bocchieri, what happened. Sondra said, "wait til' you hear what else happened!" and told us that she had seen this same lady coming out of the sanctuary earlier in the day right after I had brought a teaching called, "The Irresistible Woman". She said the woman was dancing down the hall singing, "I am an irresistible woman!!"
Did I create a monster? Evidently I was irresistible too. I wish she would have resisted me. Truly.
In case you are wondering kissing women's breasts in church is NOT part of Cayman culture.
My fellow team members on the tour have teased me in every way imaginable about this. Some of the jokes I cannot repeat here but they are very creative. I'm hearing lots of jokes that ended up on a facebook comment thread with my team members yesterday including these:
"Deanna's got the ministry of milk vs. meat!"
"Deanna really does mother the nations...she feeds the nations like literally, and she is good to the last drop!"
"She's got a mango anointing!"
"Deanna, you are my bosom buddy!"
"Lo-Fat, 2% or Whole MILK???" Anyone? Anyone? Bueller???"
"That's just milky way funny!!!"
"This just in: If Deanna jumps up and down we might get BUTTERMILK!"
I told this story last night in the Fusion service (yes, we have such a "real" church I could tell this story without anyone being offended) and one person commented, "Well, Pastor Deanna, you always DO stay abreast of things."
I've learned when someone kisses your breast in church the jokes are endless.
Not that I want it to happen again or anything.