Tuesday, September 07, 2010

So here's a serious question I have

When you read marriage improvement books they go into great detail as to how a man needs to be treated, how a woman needs to be treated and basically, what each marriage partner needs to be healthy.  I will agree that if you follow the advice of a great majority of these books it will improve your marriage.  But my question today is not about marriage.  My question is regarding something else in light of what the marriage books have uncovered.

In light of what all marriage books tell us about the emotional needs of men and women, how does this affect the other areas of our lives outside of marriage?

The truth is, according to all the marriage books, both men and women are extremely needy in several different ways.  While a marriage partner hopefully cares enough about their marriage to keep those things in mind, "the world at large" doesn't care.   I can already hear the comment stream now... "yes, and that's why it's so important that marriage partners meet the needs because no one else will..."  I agree with that.  But it's not my point.

Here is my point.  The world at large could care less about how you tick and finding out your love language.  Your spouse hopefully cares, and your Momma might care, but I would venture to say that your boss doesn't care, your co-workers don't care,  the teller at the bank doesn't care, the cashier at Walmart doesn't care, your broker doesn't care, your neighbor doesn't care, your kid's teacher doesn't care.  They don't care whether you need love or respect, whether you are a waffle or spaghetti, whether you are from Mars or Venus.  They just want you to do what you are supposed to do, and get on with it without whining.

So my question is -- since we are all  fragile according to the research, and the world at large doesn't care -- how does your average person make it on their jobs or in other avenues of life when they don't get what they need or want a great majority of the time?

I asked my husband this question and he simply said:  "they don't make it."

Huh??

Larry says most people struggle and this is why HR departments exist and their people clean up messes every single day...because people can't handle it.

What do you think?

4 comments:

RandomIntensity said...

I agree with Larry. However there are people that never utilize HR even though they are highly unsatisfied. Technically, they "make it" even if their sense of fulfillment is greatly diminished. (which puts in question if they really are making it, lol)

I think some dichotomize their lives in order to survive. The work "to live" instead of living to work so to speak. They suffer 50 hours a week in order to simply finance the part of their lives that does bring them a sense of fulfillment to some extent.

Also, we all do have a wide variety of needs of all sorts. Sometimes companies can meet just enough of those needs to keep someone on board and productive at some level. e.g. Someone has a high need for security and are willing to let other emotional needs go unmet if they have that primary need for security met.

One other thought is to consider Mclellands Acquired Needs Theory, which says that some have a need for achievement, others a need for power and others a need for affiliation. Based on their prime motivator they will seek out fulfillment of their need in the workplace.

lol sorry for long response. I enjoy pondering these kinds of questions. :)

Deanna said...

Love what you've shared here, RandomIntensity. No need to apologize for the long response - I enjoyed it, and I agree with you.

Although I didn't go into further exploration of the topic here on this post, I am also curious about how this impacts personal relationships other than marriage. I have a friend who is very sensitive (probably could be characterized as hyper-sensitive) and experiencing turmoil in many of their personal relationships. Their marriage by all outward indications is very good. It's what made me think of this in the first place. Nobody else in their life handles them with "kid gloves" the way a spouse would. If their spouse has something difficult to tell them, I think they probably do it by following a lot of what all the marriage experts say to do, which is how they can get away with it without them going off the deep end, and probably what keeps their marriage together. (A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.) When something is not sugarcoated to make it more palatable, my friend comes apart at the emotional seams.

All of this led me to question how people hold down jobs or keep any friends when the world doesn't treat them with extra loving care.

This also might explain why some people have had an extraordinary amount of jobs.

Thanks for responding -- glad someone else enjoys wondering about these things like I do. LOL

Tina Blount said...

I would have to say that in part, I agree with Larry. Having spent 20years in HR, I've seen the spectrum. There are those employees who utilize HR in a construct and healthy way; Partnering with them to educate their bosses on how to be better managers. There are also those employees at the other end of the pendulum who whine, fuss, complain and yes, eventually quit because no one really cares about their needs. However, the majority, compartmentalize. They do their job and reap the rewards the position affords them (money, recognition, success, or even a reason to get out of the house) and go home to kick the dog when it's bene a bad day.

The truth of the matter I believe is that at the end of the day, only God can meet those deep female and male needs. Husbands and wives try but hey, we're human right?

Deanna said...

Definitely agree, Tina! Great thoughts.