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I'm a mess, but I'm growing.

"But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the woman who sticks with God. They're like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers- Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, Serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season."
Jeremiah 17:7 (The Message)

I absolutely love the worship song, "Desert Song". One of my favorite parts of the lyric is, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I l have a reason to sing...I have a reason to worship!"

What a season I'm in.  This week has been a horrible rollercoaster of emotions. Yesterday we were supposed to be saying goodbye to Jordan as he was scheduled to leave for Air Force basic training in San Antonio, TX. His Daddy and I had cried a bucket of tears Sunday night and all day Monday again.    We had a special family dinner Monday night after he was checked into Mainsail (where they are required to stay) and prepared for the challenging day ahead of actually "letting go" at the airport.

After an almost sleepless night with many tears, we got up and prepared to walk out the door to go to see him swear in again and say goodbye at the airport, and  they called and said we needed to come pick him up and bring him home. He was sick. (All day Monday he had been nauseous which we thought was just due to nervous jitters about the next day. But they give them a physical exam again when they get to MEPS, and  he had flu like symptoms.  He has a fever and chills right now and it is beyond just "jitters.") He is home another week and tentatively leaves on Tuesday. This presents a heartbreaking situation for me as I am leaving for Africa that same morning.  My flight can't be changed.  I have to leave that day at the same time.  Yes, I've cried bucketfuls MORE tears. I realized right away, I will not be there at the airport to say goodbye.  I will not be home when he makes his first call home to talk to us.  I will be on the other side of the world, away from my family.  My husband needs me so much right now as well, just for emotional support, and I won't be there.  Jordan  is our first babe to fly the nest (quite literally) and with that a changing season in our household.   We are not five anymore here at home, we are four.  Quite frankly, I feel like a mess!     

There is so much on my mind as I ping pong back and forth between thinking about Jordan and Africa.    My emotions are quite the traffic jam, but I am resolutely trusting in God. As women we go through many changing seasons in our lives. Transitions come with our marriage, our children, our work, and our relationships. Through all of those seasons God simply asks that we trust him...that we "stick with Him" fully believing that He will see us through the seasons and help us to not only survive but thrive!  Scripture says we are to be like a tree planted deeply, bearing fruit no matter what we happen to be going through -- letting it work for us rather than chafing against it. There are parts of me that want to resist this changing season.  I have to be honest, I don't like it right now.  It feels like a searing wound.  Yes, I know he will excel in the military.  Yes, I know he will make us proud.  I know all that.  But we miss him already and we are grieving.  Yesterday riding down the road with Savanna I blubbered on and on and she says, "Mom, it's okay.  He will be back to see us.  He is still a part of us."  I said, "I know but it's not exactly the same, and I have to go through this two more times!  Once with you, once with Dustin!"  I can't even wrap my mind around that right  now and of course my mind has raced ahead to think about it.  I don't have a hard time with my kids being all that God wants them to be...I just don't want them to leave my house to do it.  (ha ha!!!) 

 I am asking, "God how do you want to grow me through this?  Please show me how to be joyful in the midst of  this so that I can be a blessing and one day even help someone else like others are helping me."   I know parents make it through this and most of them seem even better for it years later, I just don't know how they initially did it.  I am learning more than ever that it's important to lean on women friends through changing seasons. I'm thankful for a good friend, Lisa, who came and sat with me on my sofa yesterday morning and just cried for a few hours.  One thing Lisa also told me is that it's very possible that God didn't want Jordan in the group that was leaving for basic yesterday.  Who knows the danger that might have been present in the form of an influence or relationship within that particular group that may have been harmful to him?  Maybe God realized that in the long run it would have been more harmful for Jordan to be with that group of guys, versus the pain of me missing his farewell moment.  God knows best and for some reason the date needed to be changed.  There is really nothing that prayer, chocolate and the ear of a good friend can't help. 


Melissa Davis said…
Sorry for what you're going through PD and know that you all are in my prayers!

Yes, all things happen for a reason and God always work things our for our GOOD - so this is definitely worked out by God for the good of your family! Be encouraged and know that there is much love in Largo for Shrodes family :)

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