Monday, May 24, 2010

I got up this morning

Yesterday was a hard day.  Jordan's "last" for everything at church. We have to drop him off at the MEPS hotel tonight to spend the night.  Tomorrow he has to swear in a second time and after that goes to the airport to leave for basic training.  We will go to the airport to say goodbye to him and that will be it -- the official "transition" into adulthood and out of our home as far as living here anymore.

Quite a few people have asked how I'm doing with it.  I know they mean well and they care, but my honest thought when I'm asked that question is, "does it really matter?"  Whether I'm doing okay or not, either way there is nothing I can do about it.  Jordan is happy and I want him to be happy.  Who doesn't want their child to be happy?   I accept his decision and am proud of him, and just do what I do...which is keep "doing."

Did you ever realize how little control you have over anything in life?  Really we have absolutely none except for what we personally decide to do.  Control starts and stops with us as individuals.  Everything else simply happens to us and we decide how to respond.  There are two choices with anything we face in life -- we can either keep going or quit.  I absolutely hate goodbyes even when they are for good reasons.  There's never anything good about a goodbye for me. As a matter of fact, I'm saying goodbye in person to Jordan because he's my son and being that he's my son our relationship as mother/son requires that.  But aside from my husband or kids I avoid a goodbye with anyone else if I can possibly help it.  Many times a goodbye means something good for the other person, but for me personally it's always very sad.  So for selfish reasons I just refuse to show up for a goodbye.  For my kids though, I just can't do that.  I'm their Mom.  And Moms show up, at least the real ones.   There is no question as a mother that you will be there for your kids no matter how hard it is.

I do think sometimes we need to reward ourselves just for deciding that we're going to keep going and keep "doing".  I like to do more than exist (I'm about thriving not surviving) but I do have to admit there are some days I think we all deserve a medal just for existing or surviving.   

1 comment:

Angie said...

Praying for you, PD. Goodbyes are miserable.