Last night we saw the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You". I was already familiar with the book that came out years ago. Although I don't agree with some of the principles discussed in the book and movie because they are not in line with scripture, I do definitely think the authors have one great point that bears examining closer. I wish many women could get it through their heads, because at the heart of this book is actually a message of self worth. I really wish that a Christian author would come up with a similar book, pointed at Christian singles, devoid of the unbiblical parts of the book. Because this is a message desperately needed especially for young women.
Things I am convinced of:
It never behooves you to chase a man who is giving you any vibes that he is not interested. This is really cheapening yourself and has nothing to do with love, but a devauling of oneself on behalf of another. When you get down to it, continuing to pursue a man who has said he doesn't want you actually sets the man up as an idol in your life. Idols are wrong no matter what your intentions.
It doesn't matter how long you dated, were engaged or even lived together ~ if he's not responding to your texts, answering your calls, ignoring your e-mail or giving you one word or one sentence answers...WHAT ABOUT THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? Everyone sees it but you, I guarantee it.
When a girl finally gets it through her head that he doesn't want a relationship and comes emotionally crashing down the thing is, nobody else around her is ever surprised. A few will probably dare to ask, "how could you not see it?" They totally get it. They've all known for days, weeks, months. The young lady simply ignored their wisdom or refused to even allow them to express it while she continued with her psycho behavior. (Yes, it is psycho to call, text, IM, and otherwise cyber-stalk a man when he clearly does not want to talk to you or pursue the relationship any further.)
As the author of HJNTIY, Greg Behrandt says, "He's stopped calling you, he's not sure he wants to marry you, he's having sex with someone else? Just drop him and get on with your life. Always be classy. Never be crazy. This means don't call him; don't ask him to come back; don't ask what's changed or what's gotten into him; don't try to find out if he moved back in with his previous girlfriend. Just move on and, 'Don't waste the pretty.'"
This is advice from a secular book however I believe it's very sound wisdom. God wants His women to see themselves as He sees us. When looking through God's eyes, we find our value and we realize, we do not need to grovel, emotionally or physically prostitute ourselves (that's really what it is), to turn into psychos, to make a man our idol, to continue to throw ourselves at his feet through all of the media technologies available. If we rest in knowing who we are in Christ, and get comfortable with who God has made us to be, He will in His time send a man worthy of our love and affections, if we are called to marriage. Some have actually made marriage or the goal of marriage their idol. That's another post for another day.
I believe this extends to really any other relationship in life. We teach people how to treat us. I have endeavored to teach my daughter from the very beginning to value herself and not allow people to mistreat her. I have taught her that no group of friends at school, church or elsewhere is worth being abused. I've said over and over, "honey, if someone shuts you out and cruelly says, "you can't be in our group", don't you dare pander to them! Don't lower yourself to their level. Simply rise up and say, "hey, I'm starting my own group!" And then do it! (Usually when you do that the same people are soon begging to be in your group, and suddenly you find yourself in the driver's seat. Funny how that works.) Groveling is not only painful, and totally humiliating, but it doesn't make you any more attractive to whoever you are throwing yourself at. They don't think, "wow, this girl really loves me, " but instead they think, "Man, this girl is psycho. What more do I have to do to lose her?" The sad thing is, some Christian young ladies will even twist the Bible to rationalize this psycho or stalker behavior as Biblical.
I love this quote from the movie: "Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." It really, really is all about self worth. No woman who sees herself as God does would knock herself out on a man who is simply viewing her as an option. The man who is destined to be with you for life doesn't see you as one of his options, but the one he "can't live without" not the one he is convinced through your psycho behavior to be with.
Ladies in ministry, it's often times frustrating but we have a task before us to get today's women to realize that one is a whole number. They need not throw themselves at the feet of anyone but Jesus.
p.s. another thing I loved about the movie was ~ it was set in Baltimore!