Thursday, July 17, 2008

Insane mind dance about parenthood

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I go back and forth in my life between wanting to have more children and not wanting to.

Not that I have a choice.

1) We're both "fixed".

2) Even if we weren't, my husband would still say no. He has said no, period. No adopting. No foster care either. So, that's that. End of discussion.

On some days it pains my heart that I won't have more children in my household. I say in my household because I have lots of spiritual children who don't live with me. That's my life...spiritual parenting.

But every once in a while when I hold one of our babies at church, like I am here (holding Joel & Sheri's son Dylan here when he was a baby, at one of our church dinners)... or when Michele's son Marcus flings into my arms for a hug after church as he is here in this picture below, well...it puts a pang in my heart that goes something like this... "ohhhh...this season in my life is fading...the kids are growing up...my house is going to be going through a real transition soon as much as I'm trying to hold off on it..."

On some days the fact that we're heading towards transition seems a welcome relief. Like one day this week which was very typical... I had two extra kids here...stereo blaring in one bedroom, Halo 3 blaring in the other bedroom...with Jordan in the garage banging on the drum set for 45 minutes as I was cooking dinner. At the same time, Savanna and her friend were running through the house...doors opening, doors banging shut as they are bouncing between outside/inside. Every time they open the door, it seems a fly gets in. (Question of the ages: why didn't Noah swat those two flies?) Meanwhile, Dustin and his friend are banging on the piano and the telephone is ringing mercilessly.

When my two boys are home from work or school, this is basically what my household is like right now. And on days like this when the noise gets to fever pitch and I'm stressed, I say to myself, "Nope, no more, no more, no more. Larry's right. Our kid raising days are ending with these kids. We need peace and quiet and in the next few years, it will finally be here for the first time since 1989."

And then other days I think of being without conglomeration of noise and activity and get dreadfully depressed. Sometimes I even start crying over the thought. On days where my kids make me so proud I could burst, I get woefully down about it and think, "what was I thinking to just stop at three kids? Why didn't we have a dozen at least? Why am I not doing this all the rest of the days of my life?"

And then the next day Jordan gets kicked off the bus or something. Never for anything serious, knock on wood. Fortunately my kiddos have never gotten into trouble for anything catastrophic. It's usually for something like standing up in the middle of class and singing a song, or banging empty coke bottles like a drum set against the seats on the bus, or pulling a prank on someone. Yes, they are stupid childish pranks but still nevertheless a stress for his father and I to get a call from the teachers or principle. And on days like that I said, "why did God ever trust me enough to give me kids? I am not equipped to handle this!"

But then the next day Jordan leads somebody to Jesus, or helps an old lady in the parking lot at church, I think, "how crazy am I to be stressed out about anything? I am so blessed!"

Yep, this is the insane back and forth dance that goes in my mind about parenthood.

Does this happen with anyone else but me, this insane mind dance? Are you convinced you can't handle parenthood one more second sometimes and then at others you absolutely ache to have a little newborn in your arms again, or long for the days to come back when you were teaching your kids to tie their shoes?

5 comments:

Leanne said...

I'm not even a parent yet and I'm already doing the crazy mind dance...should I have kids? Should I have kids and be in full time ministry (thus bestowing the dreaded "PK" title onto my children!)? What if we have more than one at a time (a very real possiblity for me!)?

I cannot even comprehend the mental craziness that comes with actually BEING a parent - from what I've observed through your blog, you and Larry have done a fantastic job raising yours, though :o).

Sharon said...

You know the saying "Great minds think alike."

Yep. I deal with this A. LOT.

Each step my youngest takes in life is painful.

We originally wanted four children, but the last pregnancy, with Boom was bad. Tim said he wasn't going to see me go through that again, and took care of things. I had to sign off, but I cried so hard, and couldn't do it the first time, he missed his appointment! He rescheduled, and well, then there was always the "hope" that God could perform a miracle and something could get through.

Then the Ovarian Cancer. Well... I'm a believer. I have faith. But, no ovaries, no uterus. (Due to ovarian cancer). I gave up the thought.

I'd always prayed to the Lord the creation of children would be in HIS hands, and when it was time to stop, He'd (Christ) would have to allow something to happen to me- so I knew it to be the end (or there wouldn't be a natural desire to stop.) Watch what you pray!

We're both 'open' to the thought of adoption. The Lord hasn't shown us it's the time or His desire...yet. It may never be.

When Jenni (Big Weiss Blog) comes over with her six kids, I think "how in the world" or "what am I thinking?". I get worn out.

Then I start thinking... If Son has his first child at the age his Daddy had him... I'll be a GRANDMA in ____ years. Have you done that??? :0)

I feel your pain!

Melissa said...

I completely understand about those days when I think, "No, No, No I am really done" not that I have a choice either. My DH is fixed to. But we both are open to adoption should God lead us and open doors for us.
I had to laugh about the fly comment. I was thinking that same thing this morning, "Why didn't God swat those flies" when I was making breakfast for my crew!
God bless!

MrsHendiii said...

I'm not a parent yet (5 more months!) but sometimes when I look at my husband I think to myself, "oh no things are going to really change...these are the last months where it is just you and me."

What I have learned with watching my parents is as my sister and I got older, they have seemed to get younger. The more we grew and got out of the house, the more they began to act like newlyweds going on dates and longer vacations than just a weekend. I have been able to see my parents enjoy each other's company in a new way.

So I'm sure this dance is tough for you, but based on what I have seen (not experienced yet) your next season in your family life is going to be right up your alley! Imagine having a chance to be a "newlywed" with PL knowing now what you didn't know then!

DaNella Auten said...

I have to agree with MrsHendiii there are times that I desperately want another (my dh is fixed too)but then on those rare occasions when we are able to sneak away, and have some "honeymoon" time... Not so much. I know if I had an infant I couldn't accomplish half of those snatched moments. So what I keep telling myself, is that I am looking forward to them growing, because then we can have more "us" time, we had kids15 mos after we married, so there was very little time alone.

Only every coupel of months I get the itch again... But I can itch all I want, unless God does a miracle I won' have another.

On the up side, Adoption at any age makes a diffrence, and we just addopted a 20 year old girl... lol
Go figure. You never know what God has in store.