Sometimes I get out of sorts when I'm emotionally overcome, which is not often. I am not one who cries a lot. I am very passionate all the time..."effervescent" as Dr. Sherry Lee calls me. (I will never forget when she called me that one day. I considered it such a high compliment and never forgot it. It means "high spirited", "bubbly" and "animated." When Sherry Lee compliments you, you remember it. ) I may be effervescent, but given to crying jags? Demonstrative for no reason? No. There's always a reason. Yesterday I went from the heights of effervescence to the lows of depression. As mentioned, I was going to blog it but then the downside sounded so bad, I reconsidered and got my angst out on the piano for a while.
One of the greatest things in my life ever happened for me yesterday. God has opened a door of ministry that I have dreamed about so much. There's a vision of my heart that came to pass. I was literally envisioning this a month ago out walking and listening to worship music and then, bam...here came the opportunity. I do believe 100% that it's His will. But being in His will is not always so simple. I am not kidding you that in present conditions, it will take a miracle akin to raising the dead for me to be able to walk through the door even though it's God's will. Does God do stuff like that? Yep, I believe He does. Thankfully I believe in miracles. I do have faith. Larry often says, "to qualify for a miracle, you have to have a need." I'm there.
Right now I am seeing other faithful, called people who are walking in God's will who are having a difficult time walking through the doors God has opened due to our current economy. Some of our missionaries who are called and anointed are not able to return to the field when planned and are experiencing delays because of the economic situation. The harvest is ripe...God has a work for us to do. But times are tight and in some places in America people are paying almost $5 a gallon for gas. This should have nothing to do with whether we reach our harvest but unfortunately many ministries are affected. I hate that. My husband reminds me even in good economic times this would STILL take a miracle!
There are opportunities for others to walk this journey with me that God has opened up... and actually experience this right alongside me, yet I also am concerned about disappointing them should provision not be there for some reason. Why oh why does it take miracles to do ministry? I guess so God will get the glory and it will be something we could never do on our own or take the credit for. They say your dream is too small if it doesn't keep you awake at night. Mine has me awake and feeling sick at times quite frankly.
Yesterday when this invitation came (which I'll tell you more about later once I know more and work out a detail or two), I cried many many tears of joy. I was overcome with emotion. But shortly thereafter when the financial reality hit me of what it would take to walk through this door, I cried more tears but this time of a torn heart. How in the world would I manage to NOT do this if the provision didn't come through? The thought of missing it pains me deep inside my soul more than words can express to you right now. I just bawl when I think about it. Is it about "me"? No. This is about receiving, it's about pouring myself out on behalf of a people who have turned my heart inside out.
My heart is so wrapped up in this, I went back and forth between crying tears of joy and tears of pain yesterday and then wanting to lay in my bed depressed at the thought of "what if". Then I thought to myself, "something that's God shouldn't make you feel this way..." Or should it? I don't know quite honestly. All I can tell you is that when reaching certain people grips ahold of you with a passion like never before it will almost make you sick.
My dear friends, will you please stand with me in prayer that God would do a WORK OF THE SUPERNATURAL so that I would be able to walk through this door and take some others with me on this journey as well? I need some warriors who know how to stand in faith and believe God for a miracle.
This is a good day for a miracle. A very good day.