Thursday, March 13, 2008

Standin' by her man...

Why in the world do they drag these wives to the press conferences?

For the past few days I've been hearing a lot about Silda Spitzer and her decision to (literally) stand beside her husband, Eliot Spitzer, who has resigned from the governorship of New York now that he's been caught with a prostitute.

This has become one of the most vigoriously debated issues and in addition to reading about it through major news sources, some of my friends are also blogging about it and making some very insightful statements about it.

People wonder why this woman has decided to "stand by her man" when he's been guilty of such flagrant betrayal in their marriage. Feminists everywhere have raised their voices as to the "poor example" this sets for teenage girls who are watching to see how grown women handle these situations. What will some of them do when it inevitably happens to them one day as statistics tell us it will? Will they follow the example of Silda Spitzer, Hillary Clinton and Dina McGreevey? (Dina McGreevey is since divorced from her husband,yet when he resigned from the governorship of NJ after coming out as a gay man, his wife stood by his side at the press conference and supported him at that time.)

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows my stand on divorce. I simply believe the Bible and what it says on the issue. However, the Bible does allow the person to ditch the loser give a person the biblical option to leave if a spouse commits adultery. Therefore, Mrs. Spitzer has no biblical mandate to stay with her husband. Whether she stays or dumps his sorry butt leaves, there is no biblical instruction on the matter either way.

So, in such cases, men and woman are biblically free to choose how to respond - whether to kill him, leave or not leave. It's another blog for another day as to whether they should divorce, but my question today is simply, WHY DO THEY DO THESE PRESS CONFERENCES? Haven't these poor women been through ENOUGH? For crying out loud gentlemen, you have just put your wife through hell. Let her grieve and heal in private away from the glare of cameras.

I actually began thinking on this topic after Larry brought it up to me. His opinion is that whether they leave or not he thinks dragging the wives into the press conference is totally uncalled for. My husband is faithful as the day is long and has no designs on cheating on me, (He knows Lorena Bobbit is one of my heroes) however he said this to me last night, "Deanna, I'd never be unfaithful to you however I will tell you this, if I were one of those men, I would believe I had already done enough to harm you and would never want you to have to go on television and stand beside me in a press conference in front of the whole world after I had just done this horrible thing to you. That would be like victimizing you all over again...and I don't understand why men do that."

I agree with my husband on that. Why in the world do they drag these wives to these press conferences? Okay, you say, "maybe they didn't drag them there...maybe they want to be there...maybe they requested to be there..." WHAT? Who WANTS to do that? Do you really think any of these women were happy about the press conference? I am sure none of these women woke up that day and said, "I can't wait to stand at that lecturn beside him as all the cameras focus in on my face and capture the moment..." No, they were dreading it. In my opinion, if these poor wives even suggested, "honey, I am still with you, I'll go stand beside you," those men should say, "NO...NO, NO...I INSIST. I GOT INTO THIS MESS ON MY OWN, AND I'M GOING TO STAND UP THERE LIKE A MAN, BY MYSELF AND OWN UP TO IT AND NOT DRAG YOU THROUGH THE MUD WITH ME..."

What are these men thinking? Of themselves, pure and simple. They are thinking of their comfort. Does it feel good to have your wife stand beside you after doing all that? Sure. Absolutely. It's very comforting for YOU, but very demeaning for HER. So why don't you insist that she NOT HAVE TO DO IT? Self. That's why. You are thinking of YOURSELF, just like when you decided to unbuckle your pants for that prostitute. That's exactly why you now put your wife up there beside you as you speak into that microphone...because it MAKES THINGS EASIER FOR YOU. But it does NOTHING FOR HER except give her shaky knees and clammy hands and watering eyes and more of a broken heart.

I heard one news source say, "they do it because it's protocol." Protocol for what? For their political career? They should have thought about that then they unzipped their zipper. Who cares about their political career? What's more important, your political future or your wife? If you cared so much about "appearances" you shouldn't have gone with a prostitute or decided to come out of the closet.

Yet others may say, "unconditional love, Deanna, that's why they do it." I submit to you, unconditional love does not equal stupidity or abuse. You can love a person unconditionally but that does not require you to subject yourself to such public humiliation. I believe in these cases it has much more to do with appearances than unconditional love. If indeed you can find it in your heart to not only forgive but restore the relationship that is one thing, but attending the press conference so soon after the indescretion would not be a requirement of fulfilling unconditional love for another. In fact, if the husband still unconditionally loves his wife he would insist that for once he's going to do something on her behalf - let her stay home in the comfort of her home surrounded by a friend or two to uphold her - while he goes to the public and steps up to the plate like a real man and takes responsibility for his actions.

For God's sake, please, please, please, all you politicians and preachers and whoever else is getting ready to confess, DO IT ALONE or with your agent, your manager, your overseer or whoever else beside you, but even if your wife is going to stay with your sorry self, DO NOT LET HER GET UP THERE AND STAND BESIDE YOU AT THAT PRESS CONFERENCE AND PUT HER THROUGH MORE HUMILIATION THAN SHE NEEDS TO GO THROUGH.

What about it don't these guys "get"? If you still value your wife and your relationship with her at all, TREASURE HER ENOUGH TO PROTECT HER FROM THE PRESS. Don't expect her, don't even allow her, to stand up there beside you while you confess to the world. For perhaps the first time in your marriage, CUT HER A BREAK.

And by the way, while I'm an egalitarian, I'm not a feminist in the secular sense of the word, however I do have to give it to them on this does kind of send a message out there to teen girls.

Loving a man does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean standing beside him as he talks into a microphone at a press conference after he's just messed around with his latest girl toy. No, No, No, that is not what loving a man is about at all.

I have blogged about this before and gotten some feedback of women saying, "well, you really don't know what you would do if you were in this situation." That's true in many ways. I don't. I don't know all the ramifications and what I would or would not do in it's entirety, but I can promise you one thing. Sister Shrodes would be noticeably absent on the platform the week her husband made his confession. The limelight on that day would be all his. And then when he comes home he'll need to start sleeping face down.

Gentlemen, please encourage your wife to stay home from the press conference. You've already put that poor dear through enough humiliation for a lifetime. Thank you.


Tara Sloan said...

With ya girl! I was reading an article in the Chicago Sun-Times that talked about this very issue. It had pictures of each "couple (?)" and two of the women were dressed almost identically.. in plae blue suits with the simple pearls.One of the former women whose husband was unfaithful shared her experience. She stated that her husabdn and all of his entourage told her that she HAD to stand with him, that she had to be "Jackie Kennedy" in all of this. Her thoughts on this were, "Jackie Kennedy? Her husband was murdered in cold blood while serving this country. My husband had an affair and lied and I have to be Jackie Kennedy!!!"

Deanna Shrodes said...

So true. Why does SHE have to do anything in the matter? SHE didn't get him into this mess.

As a blogger you know everyone doesn't comment publicly, some e-mail privately. Yesterday a reader e-mailed me privately and said that one big reason they force the wives to do this is the man's ego. For his own ego he "needs" his wife to be there by his side, or he just can't go up there and make the confession...

Again, that's HER problem?

I hear a lot about male ego and how fragile it is and all I gotta say is, sometimes I think the answer is not that we coddle it but that it's crucified with Christ. I've even heard some well meaning Bible teachers talk about the fragile male ego...and I'm thinkin', okay, in my book that's PRIDE. And you know what THE book says about pride...

Kerry said...

PD, I was thinking the same thing. Poor Silda looks like she doesn't know if she's coming or going. Why drag her through the mud with that scumbag. I'm with you, I'm 100% sure that I would not be by his side at that press conference. Love, what's love got to do with this? Love shoulda brought him home that night when he chose to sleep with that prostitute and every other night as well. Let his cheating butt go to the press conference alone even if she decides to stay married to him!

Pastor L said...

Good point about Jackie Kennedy - I never thought about it that way, but it is very true!!!

I remember feeling sorry for Hilary Clinton during the whole "Monica Lewinsky" ordeal! Agree or disagree with her politics, she was still a wife who was cheated on by her husband, and having the microphone constantly shoved in her face for her "opinion" on the situation.

What did people THINK her opinion was? Duh. At least Bill Clinton had the decency to go it alone during his infamous, "I did, in fact have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was inappropriate" speech and not have his wife next to him while he made it (I remember the speech clearly - they interrupted E.R. for it, lol!!).

Deanna Shrodes said...

Yes Pastor L I do agree with you on that. That is a notable thing about the Clintons that I never thought about before. Wow. Now that you mention it Hillary WAS NOT there for that speech!

I did feel very sorry for her at the time. I don't care WHO it is or whether we agree or disagree with their policies...when it come to a spouse who is cheated on I cannot help but feel sympathy for the one betrayed.

Regarding the situation with Bill, I do believe Hillary exhibited class. I do vividly remember a few days after the news broke about him and Lewinsky, she (Hillary) was in an interview and somehow the topic of the American Heart Association or heart tests came up and Senator (then first lady) Clinton was asked, "Have you ever had a stress test?" and she came right back with... "Well, actually I'm going through one right now..." Sort of brought a lighthearted moment in all the tension.

I do not discuss my personal views as far as politics from the pulpit, (but am more transparent on my blog) and I will say this...while I don't agree with Hillary's policies on things or her values, I do think she's a great leader who has shown class in many situations that were difficult.