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Christianese Defined



I got this from Revival Blog yesterday and thought it was hysterical!

It's basically what many people are really saying when they use this popular Christian jargon.

1. I’ll pray about it = NO!
2. We need to pray for so and so = Guess what I just heard?!
3. I’m waiting for God to open some doors = I’m living in my parent’s basement.
4. God gave me a word for you = I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.
5. I’m going to have my quiet time = Leave me the heck alone!
6. God is good = My life sucks.
7. Bless his/her heart = What an idiot.
8. I have the gift of discernment = I can judge people without even talking to them.
9. I was having fellowship with them = We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.
10. I’m saved by grace, not works = I can do whatever the heck I want.
11. She caused me to stumble = What a skank.
12. I kissed dating goodbye = I couldn’t get a blind date, literally.
13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth = I can’t believe you said the real curse word!
14. I don’t mean to judge but… = I’m going to judge.
15. I’m dating Jesus right now = Are you kidding? I’m way out of your league.
16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship = I met someone else and I’m too coward to break up with you.
17. I’ll pray about marrying you = NO!
18. God told me that we are supposed to get married = Maybe you’ll say yes if God is behind this.
19. I’m fasting = Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.
20. God has called me to minister to her = She’s really hot.
21. I think you should pray about it = You’ll see that I’m right.
22. We’ve decided to court, not date = My parents have a death grip on my life.
23. Courting = Homeschool dating.
24. Lord willing = My plans are His plans.
25. Take this with a grain of salt = I’m about to really offend you.
26. I’m feeling convicted about this = One day my actions might change too!
27. Have I offended you? = Why are you treating my like garbage?
28. Who wants to pray? = I don’t want to pray right now.
29. Jesus turned water into wine = Jesus turned water into grape juice. (Southern Baptist Dialect)
30. Jesus turned water into wine = I can drink whatever I want. (Presbyterian Dialect)

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