Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Why you should have sex as much as possible

Adults, on average have sex 61 times a year - slightly more than once per week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center.

But get this... sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent GREATER for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age! Not surprisingly, the 1998 University of Chicago report that compiled available sex research also concluded that intercourse is more frequent among couples in happier marriages.

It didn't take a research paper to tell me that.

So, in this --the next installment in my "things I've learned" blog series, let me say that in 20 years of marriage, I've realized that things are much better when there's a lot of sex going on - especially good sex! As Larry and I teach in the marriage seminars we do, God doesn't just want you to have good sex, He wants you to have great sex.

I have also always believed (and research also backs this up) that married couples have more satisfying sex than non-marrieds. Aside from spiritual reasons, the other reason for this is quite simple - the trust and familiarity factor you have with your marriage partner.

One thing I have learned in my marriage is that first of all, like anything - the proof of desire is in your pursuit. If you want a good marriage, you must pursue a good marriage. At the top of the list of things you must pursue in order to continue improve your marriage is a good sex life. Not just your first year of marriage - but every year of your marriage. Not just on special times away, but all the time. Not just when you feel like it, but when you don't.

Did you know that a study was done of the people who have lived the longest on the earth, (living over 100+ years each) and it was discovered that the one thing these people all had in common was a very active marital sex life into their 100's? Amazing! These people lived in Soviet Georgia and were pursuing active sex lives up until the very last days of their lives and it proved not only emotionally satisfying, but great for their health and longevity.

If you are going to continue to grow in your marriage, it requires continuing to grow as a sexual person. I have found that this does require work, especially when you still have kids in the home, however one bonus is that it's very FUN work! :-)

A wonderful author and pastor's wife, Kristy Dykes, shared the following poem (I believe she wrote it and I love it!):

"Mama's Nightgown"
This morning, Mama's smiling and humming
and her nightgown's inside out.
The boys are noisy,
the dog's barking,
she doesn't even shout.
And Papa? He's laughing
and dancing through the house,
'cause Mama's nightgown
is inside out.

So, I ask you...how long has it been since your nightgown has been turned inside out? If you're a married woman I hope you can say it's been a very short time.

You read in the beginning of this post that average adults have sex once a week, but that the percentage is higher for married couples. I believe for healthy married couples in really happy marriages, it's usually much more than once a week, dependent upon the couple's age. Unless there are health factors that prevent you from it, you should pursue sexual intimacy as much as possible.

Larry and I have a goal each week in mind for our marriage of times we want to connect physically and we try to meet that goal each week by planning. Why? Because it's important to us. It doesn't take the "fun" out of the equation by planning, rather many times it heightens the excitement.

I want to recommend a web site I love that has given me a lot of help and ideas in keeping the spark alive in my marriage. It's a Christian site and bibically based. It's http://www.themarriagebed.com/. They have a great message board.  You'll get the scriptural answer to just about anything about married sex that you are looking for. I've referred a lot of people to this site and without exception they all say, "I love it! Why did I never hear about this resource before?" So let me be the first to tell you, if you haven't already heard. Kristy Dykes also shares some great insights at her blog.

By the way, did you ever wonder why some people get in such an uproar when Christians talk about or teach about sex openly? I have several theories:

1) Sometimes it happens because you are dealing with people who simply aren't getting any sex. They are grouchy, or jealous. If you haven't had sex for a while, or at least good sex, you'd be mean too.

2) Sometimes it happens because they are simply from a generation who had it banged into their heads that sex is something you just don't talk about. (Yet a lot of sin and dysfunction still went on behind the scenes that was never addressed properly and people suffered silently.) Larry and I care too much about our church people who are living everyday in a world of skyrocketing divorces, to stay quiet about a topic that affects their everyday lives so much just to please a few uncomfortable people.

3) Some people get upset because they don't want this being discussed with young people in the room. Our youth hear more on this subject every day from other sources than they do at church, and it's time the church speaks to the issue. They need to hear about more than just what to stay away from - they need to learn what they have to look forward to in a Christian marriage. 

4) Without exception it happens because the enemy doesn't want it to be spoken of because he knows it's a serious matter of spiritual warfare. Read your Bibles. Sex is literally WAR. The Bible declares that we not withhold sex from our marriage partner unless we are in a special time of prayer/fasting and then to come together again quickly so as not to give the devil a foothold. The enemy knows the power of sexuality in marriage and he tries everything he can do to keep God's people clueless about it, to keep us repressed, to keep us quiet and to keep pastors silenced. Pastors need to be sharing biblical truth about sexuality from their pulpits. And congregations need to see modeled an example of a couple in leadership who have a good, satisfying marriage.

A pastor who cares won't bow to any of the pressures of complainers. They will be more concerned bout the health of their people's marriages than cowing down to the pressures of those who are...

Grouchy and deprived...

Old and repressed (some might call it dignified, I call it repressed...)

Pawns in spiritual warfare

Yep, sex is war. I'm committed to do my part as a good little soldier. 

6 comments:

Deborah said...

This why I come back time and time again, how I wish more people where exposed to this. You go girl, nightgown inside out I loved that, what a joy to be married to a man that loves the nightgown inside out :) my children are older and they know that we make love and we speak very openly to them about sex as we dont want them hearing it from the school yard. Kirsty said the other day I am so happy my dad loves my mom, I want a marriage like yours, sex and all mom! I am so blessed by this post. Deanna girl would love to have coffee with you, truly a girl after my own heart. love you dolla.

Lady Melissa said...

Pastor Deanna you just dont know how much I needed this post. You are like so right on it when it comes to things I'm dealing with - I know that you hear from God.

THANKS A MIL

David said...

Great sex begins with a great garden filled with genuineness, caring, sharing, giving, mutually submitting one to another (Eph. 5:21)acceptance, loyalty, honesty, fidelity, truth, romance, wonder, strength, respect, trust, being "present" with your mate, being responsive, and passion, passion, passion. God is extremely passionate about what He believes and loves. We bear His image when we "love" or have "sex" in the context of marriage. See "The Wonder of My Soul-Mate" at www.myspace.com/revivalsforamerica.

Rev. David Hammock

Melissa said...

It is so refreshing to find a woman of God, a Pastor and a Pastor's wife who is not afraid to speak the truth and share not only her love for God and His love for marriaed couples but share intimate details of her life. I truely appreciate your openess and find it encouraging as a fellow Pastor's wife who works along side her husband.
Sex is a vital part of my marriage and has a healing aspect that no words can mend. I completely agree with you! You go girl! More Christians need to come out of their shells and be open enough to ask questions when get help in this area of their marriages!
God bless you!
Melissa

Deborah said...

It just amazes me how those that have alot to say, never put there names down its alwasy anonymous, if you know that personal stuff is shared on this blog dont read it simple as that. Deanna I love reading your blog and it inspires me to be a better woman wife lover friend and mother, you make me laugh and cry. please never stop been just you! I love you dolla.

Anonymous said...

Sex is definitely a spiritual issue, and I personally think the Christian church at large is undereducated in that area!!

For those of us who are in the ministry and extremely busy, it is encouraging to read about two pastors who keep their relationship a priority - sexually and otherwise!!

And as far as striving toward a "number goal," I do believe it IS important. I think it can be a different number for each couple, depending on the situation - we had a time in our marriage where we were doing good if we had sex once a month (I'm not going to get into the details on a public blog, but if anyone would like to hear our testimony in full, feel free to e-mail me - my husband and I are both happy to discuss what God has done for us!!).

But the point is, we had to set a goal. And just take it from me, it definitely WAS spiritual!! Spiritual warfare, to be exact.

Thanks, Deanna, for your willingness to discuss this issue (and yes, themarriagebed.com IS a great resource!!)...