Friday, October 05, 2007

The past two days



Have been spent taking care of Larry around the clock, cooking, and cleaning my house.

Larry needs meds every four hours, his ice machine pack put on for 30 minutes every 2 hours, and help getting up, sitting back down, straightening his blankets, pillows, getting him something to drink. He can't use his right hand at all so eating is slow and difficult. Sometimes he has eaten on his own but sometimes I feed him just to help things go more smoothly. Today the nurse came and changed his dressing, checked his port, and a bunch of other stuff. Then the physical therapist came tonight and worked with him a little bit. I think this is going to be a three to six month process, but he's doing really well. They seem amazed that he plans to be at church on Sunday, and that we plan to work Monday/Tuesday. I told him not to push it and that if we need to stay home, so be it. It's perfectly fine with me. I am for anything that helps him get better quicker.

So he pretty much eats a little, takes meds and sleeps most of the day/night. And when he does I've been catching up on some cleaning, plus cooking lunch/dinner and all that stuff. Most people wouldn't believe it but there is a huge part of me that is a homebody (yes I love to travel...especially to minister) but the other 50% of the time I want to be home and I crave it. I do find a lot of joy in keeping things ordered at home, cooking, and just enjoying the refuge that home is. Although I enjoy my entire home especially places like the patio, my favorite place to be is...in my bed! I could live there and have to force myself to get out of it sometimes (not just early in the morning, but really just anytime.) We have a king size bed - with THE most comfortable pillow top mattress and then I got all down pillows and comforter and I change the sheets a lot (because I like them "fresh and crispy" sort of feeling), and I love to just get underneath the covers and rest. There's nothing better than when it rains outside and I can hear it and just lay there quietly in my bed. Most times now when I work from home, I do so in my bed on laptop computer. I get hours upon hours of work done without ever leaving my bed!

Tonight I had the most maddening thing happen. I didn't do any work for church today as it's technically my "day off" from church and I just work on home things. (So I'll make that clear here as I explain for anybody who says, "why were you doing church project especially on a Friday and when you were busy taking care of pastor?") Well in between cooking, cleaning and taking care of him I had a few moments like now to sit down and blog or write. And I was working on a short "home" project (yep, I have those too) on the computer and after finishing this marvelous work of creativity, "zap" - it was gone with a crack of lightening! We're in rainy season here in Florida til' November. Tonight it's been raining cats and dogs. When it zapped my work out I was so mad. So, so, so mad. Larry says, "can't you re-do it?" "Ugh! You would never understand!"

I had been in the perfect writer's rhythm...finished a masterpiece...and zap...gone! So discouraging. Larry says, "just type it again." But it won't be exactly the same. I don't know that I could process everything the same again. I was so mad. I went in and scrubbed the bathroom as hard as I could...just to get my anger out. I didn't leave to go to the gym, because obviously I need to be here for anything Larry needs me for.

Tomorrow morning we have a Northside ladies outing. I already had it on the schedule so I kept it. Jordan's going to stay with Larry and take care of him while I go. He's good at it. He was a huge help to me yesterday. The nurse and the therapist will also be coming tomorrow.

Tomorrow's a new day and with each day Larry's going to get better. I miss having him sleep next to me. He can't get in the bed yet. He has to be in a recliner for a while. It's important that he not even accidently roll over on his arm and plus that, he can't really get up or down by himself. In time though...

So tonight this blog is just the latest happenings in my household, and a hodge podge of my thoughts so for fun I thought I'd tell you ten little known facts about me before I sign off for the night...

LITTLE KNOWN FASCINATING FACTS ABOUT DEANNA

1) Even though I have a lot of clothes, I keep washing my favorite ones all the time to wear them the most. This explains why you may see me in the same items several times in a week. No, I'm not dirty. I just keep washing them cuz they're my favs.

2) My favorite pizza is topped with mushrooms, black olives and bacon. But since I'm usually watching my calories I rarely eat it and instead eat just plain cheese pizza.

3) Bad habit confession: when I'm really tired I sometimes don't floss at night, I just brush my teeth.

4) My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I miss being at my in-laws. But into every life, change must come.

5) My son Dustin and I are most alike out of everyone in the family.

6) Lately I like to put a wedge of lime in my drinks.

7) I really enjoy reading the Bible on-line now. I find switching back and forth between translations to be awesome!

8) I like working out to Michael Jackson songs. I just pretend for those moments that I'm working out that he is what I thought he was when I listened to him in high school before he became Wacko Jacko.

9) If a book bores me in the first chapter I usually don't go beyond it.

10) I've always said I'm not prejudice at all, but I am. I wasn't always. Only in the past few years. I don't like it, and I wish I could just zap the feelings away...but I have to be honest that I fear Arabs. At the core, prejudice is really fear. We don't like what we don't understand - and we usually fear it. Such is the case with me. I have to be honest - even in Walmart, I see an Arab and I instantly brace myself in case I need to defend myself, take off a high heel and throw it at them should they try to kill me or anybody in the store. Ever since 9/11 I am really "cautious"...suspicious...and I don't know how to not feel that way except just keep praying about it. When I get on a plane and I see somebody who looks like one of the 9/11 terrorists, I get my nail polish in my purse ready just in case they do anything, with the goal of throwing the bottle at their head as hard as I can. I see somebody in the mall with a turban on their head and I think, "one false move from you and this Starbucks is going square in your face!" It's my first thought and I know it's wrong.

Pastor Lisa and I had a talk about it and she tried to help me a little bit with my feelings. She works with many Arabs and she isn't paranoid about them. But honestly...I am. I don't want to always feel that way. Part of it is, I have none of them in my life...amazingly among the nations represented at NS, we don't have any. I have never really ever had an opportunity come my way in this regard. I wish we did have somebody because quite honestly I want to face my prejudice and fear and deal with it and that would put me in a position where I could work on it up close and personal and actually befriend someone. Pastor Lisa says when that happens, I will be able to get over this hurdle because there will be a personal face/name in my life and I will come to see them as real people, and not potential terrorists around every corner.

I hope so. I've always hated prejudice, and I still do. It's the last thing I want to be and in times past I found myself prejudice only against those who had some prejudice! My challenge was (and still is) to keep myself from hating racists, and find a way to love them without agreeing with them. Now, for the first time, I realize, with this particular race, I do have issues and I am racist too because I am afraid. So God, please help me to not be afraid and to reach out, because I don't want to stay like this.

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