I love these...
I'm still laughing...
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
4. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
5 . Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
9. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.