I spoke too soon
Larry told me this morning Master Collision called...they are just a few dollars away from totaling the car. You know when I saw the Stang, even as a completely uneducated person as far as cars go, I thought to myself, "how in the world are they going to fix that, especially good as new?" I may be blonde, but remember, it IS out of a bottle. :-) I trusted in people who have a lot of experience and knowledge about cars and banked completely on what they said and now I realize my first thoughts or feelings were not so odd. When I repeatedly asked Larry if he was SURE they weren't going to total it, he poo-pooed me and said, "why are you even asking that?" Like DUH, its not even near that much damage. Well, the mechanics have added up all that would have to be done to it and it has already come to over $10,000. Just a little bit more will be the "total" amount. We'll get the final word a little later today, I guess. So everything I got so excited about is perhaps moments away from being...down the drain.
To add insult to injury, I'm feeling like Larry is waffling a little. I hope I'm wrong. But then again, I was righter about the Mustang than anyone thought too. I've been married to him for 20 years and can sense his moods pretty much immediately. I sense he's going to want to get another car right away. Even being without it for a week has been challenging. It is for me too, yet not so much that I want another car. Again, I hope I'm wrong but I sense he will not want to wait months...he will put some pressure on. Somehow he doesn't "get it" that a new car, even a better one, would not make me feel any better. I've lost something special and it's gone. You know, there are people that when their house burns down, they stand there and cry. Of course they do, because, they are devastated. Althought it's a material thing, it means something. Sometimes people think you are unspiritual or have all your priorities wrong to cry over something that is material. But I don't think so. There are things, memories, stuff that even though you can't take it to heaven, it has sentimental value. Why do people cry when their wedding photos burn up in a fire? Because they MEAN SOMETHING. No, they aren't the Holy Bible, your salvation is not lost, but HELLO, something you cared about is gone, and you're not getting it back. Besides that I've always believed no matter how big or small, "if it matters to you, it matters to God."
There are memories, special times that people experience in a home or car they lose. Is a car just a car? I guess it depends. I've had a lot of wonderful memories with that car. And it's my very first. And I waited so long for it. If Larry will think beyond two seconds about it, he'll remember a lot of great memories we have made in the Mustang. Oh well, since it's not his first car and he didn't wait for it this long I guess his mindset is probably, "we'll just make a lot of memories in another car..."
Worse yet I sense that he might go get a car without me, not necessarily get another car for "me" but just a car the family can use so as to not inconvenience him anymore. I've already told him I won't drive it, period. I'll just quit driving altogether, but I don't know if that will make any difference to him.
If indeed he does buy another car before I'm emotionally ready, I guess he'll be making two payments: a brand new payment on another car, $100 a week for counseling for me at Life Connections to work beyond how I feel about this, and on top of that have two cars sitting in the driveway that only he or Dustin will drive. I hate driving anyway, so it will be no skin off my back to give it up for however long I decide to. When he gets sick of doing all the running around, all the errands, maybe it will dawn on him that perhaps it was a bad idea. I mean, he can only drive one car at a time...he is Superman, but I don't think he has the power to drive two at once. So exactly WHO is going to drive whatever he buys anyway? I think it's pretty dumb to make payment on a car that will not be driven, but hey he can knock himself out.
Out of curiosity I did go on the Ford website to see what Mustangs are looking like these days. Larry said he would get me another one, I just don't have interest. BUT, I thought, "if there's a pink one, now THAT might be something I might have interest in." (Although I realize he would never drive it, but hey that would be just fine with me as it's supposed to be my car anyway.) Surprisingly they do have a 2008 "Breast Cancer" Mustang. (Stop laughing!) They are only making 2,500 of them, limited edition and they have a pink theme as far as the striping, stitching, etc. and a portion of the sales goes to fight breast cancer. However they are not released for a while since they are 08 and I doubt that first of all, Larry would wait until then, and second, he may just poo-pooh a pink car. This was probably a really stupid thing for me to even check this out and would probably make me even madder to have this conversation with him about the ridiculousness of a breast cancer car (in his opinion, which of course my opinion will be...the opposite. So today's not the day to go there...)
I also found out last night when I got home that Dustin didn't get the scholarship I hoped for.
And a few other things that are confidential that I can't blog about (ministry life, you know) but anyway...
Suffice it to say, this is a sucky day. If I could lay in bed for a week, or fly to my mother in laws to lay in the hammock and read and have her make me pork chops with gravy, and throw my cell phone in a dumpster, I would. But life isn't that easy. So I'm instead going to go about my work today and think about...
People who lost their home in Hurricane Katrina
People who lost a car...and a family member
People who can't see, hear, smell, or taste
People whose spouse just left them
People who have cancer
People whose kids are on drugs
People who have a child that died
People whose families don't know God
People who are pastoring an abusive church
People who are living in poverty
People who aren't saved
and as I think of those situations I do realize, I don't have it bad. I have possibly lost something I really cared about, but I have a reason to wake up tomorrow, in fact lots of reasons! There are tons of wonderful people in my life, and awesome things about my life. I'm just discouraged at this moment.
I have to do a training tonight. Somehow I've got to get this lump out of my throat.