I say, "I'm not going to be stressed...I am not going to be stressed" and repeat that to myself. But, when I get into a crunch time no matter what I tell myself - whether I speak it, don't speak it, pray, don't pray, take a day off, or don't take a day off - just knowing I have the stuff going on that I have to deal with at the time puts stress on me whether consciously or subconciously.
Even if I purposely tell myself I am not going to worry and I'm going to trust, somewhere in my brain I see what's ahead of me and it starts the acid churning inside of me... For instance I have been better at not worrying on purpose -- purposely praying instead of worrying, casting my cares upon the Lord. I honestly am getting better about that but I believe in the core of my inner being I know what's on my agenda and my body still reacts to that.
This week I was preaching twice - both Wed and Sunday. Dustin's graduation party was Thursday and his graduation was today. I had the Titus Project Mentoring group. Pastor Lindsay and I went canvassing to local businesses to get things for princess luncheon. I had all my daily work to do both at home and church. Tomorrow is the 'ministry fair' at church. We are getting ready for our princess luncheon outreach - our largest outreach of the year. I have a zillion things on my mind about that. Both the Tampa Tribune and the St. Pete Times have called Larry and I for interviews this week - both probably on Tuesday of this upcoming week. (what a wonderful blessing! However, it's just something else to add in what is the busiest week of my year.) The week of Princess outreach I always 'live at the church'. Larry knows I'm wasted that week as far as home stuff. It's just a week my family understands nothing else gets too much attention but that outreach. This is the only week that Dr. & Mrs. Kuert could meet with me for my upcoming preaching trip overseas, to meet and go over everything. I'm leaving to go to meet with them on what is usually the busiest day of my life already.
At the same time I'm trying to keep laundry washed, the house relatively clean, my private time with God, (if I don't stay prayed up all of this is a wash anyway and I might as well do none of it!)
So I find myself right now in the same state that I am normally in when I have a week like this. No matter how much I pray or worship or what not, I find that usually I get a bunch of little canker sores in my mouth due to stress. Not cold sores (fever blister types) but little canker sores as in like if you eat a pineapple or orange, or something else with a lot of acid - or you accidently bite the side of your mouth and get one. I think it's just the acid I produce from stress (I've also had a stomach ulcer before due to the same thing in the past.) Pastor Lindsay has kiddingly said I need to call weeks like this, 'canker sore week'.) Nobody would know unless I just told you this gross piece of personal info as they are all inside and I just go about my normal life. But it's just a way I know my body realizes my level of "stuff" that's going on whether I talk about it or not.
I am so blessed by all the opportunities I have right now and what is happening in my life. God has been so good to me and to our family. Take for instance Dustin's party. I was happy for him. This was a great occasion for him and for us. I just wanted it to be "perfect" as usual. I was working so hard on everything (cooking the food just right, making the cake just right, selecting all the right pics for the presentation, yada yada yada)... and in the process of trying to make everything perfecto like I imagine it, I get stressed tho' I try not to.
This is just a really crazy week for me and while I'm accomplishing it all, I'm doing so sipping on a Slurpee to try to ease my mouth pain a little bit. :-) It hurts to talk, to drink, to do really anything but I just can't worry about it - I have too much to do to stop and feel the pain or worry consciously.
When you friends think of me who read this, please just pray that I can get everyone done without even subconciously worrying this week.
Okay, as for what I'm reading tonight, I am out on the patio reading Secrets of the Secret Place and the chapter I was reading tonight talks about reading different parts of the Bible each day - not just staying in one chapter exclusively and how this benefits you so much more. I do like the idea, after reading it and hearing how the author does it and why. So I'm going to try it. When I followed up my reading there by going to Come Away My Beloved, the chapter I read talked about a love for the Word and reasons to stay in the Word. I like this quote here, "Sanctification is accomplished in no one by accident. Learn my rules and put them into practice consistently if you desire to see progress in the growth of your soul. Holiness is not a feeling - it is the end product of obedience. Purity is not a gift - it is the result of repentance and serious pursuit of God." Good stuff. And just the kind of stuff I am making reality in my life...
Now if I can just stop being subconsciously stressed...
Larry is out here on the patio with me...he came out and talked to me a while and then called a pastor friend to talk for a while. I'm getting ready to pray, spend some time with Larry and go to sleep. Larry has never changed out of his black suit from all the stuff he had going on today. He's sitting out here on the patio lounge chair in his black suit. (That's unusual for him...) TRUST ME, I will make some time for this man tonight. :-)